Am I making room for tending my emotions? The Daily OM says I should. How do I feel today? For a philosopher of freedom, I feel like I have painted myself into a corner. I don’t have a job. Don’t have any money of my own. Completely dependent on someone else for my finances. Can’t make a move without having a reason for doing so. There is no way I feel like I could just walk out of the house without explaining where I am going, for how long, etc. My world has shrunk to basically this house and the gym. Think I will expand to the library. The only real excitement I have is exploring concepts.
I decided to explore the philosophers because I wanted to start from the beginning of written human thought. Probably should really study the Chinese because they probably had these thoughts first anyway…they are more evolved.
I am leading a vanilla existence. That might not be a fair statement but it is how I feel right now. Just writing my feelings. Not going to justify them. I feel like I am tied to everyone. While that is O.K. for most of my life, it is NOT O.K for my entire life. I don’t want to keep everyone’s plates spinning at the expense of not spinning my own.
I want to move freely about the cabin, not hurting anyone, not shirking my responsibilities but I want to feel APART from time to time. I want to step out of my world of obligations and responsibilities and just feel free. The way the world is constructed, it is hard for anyone to do this. It isn’t just me that feels this way. I acknowledge that. It is just me who is writing this so I need to keep it to that for therapeutic reasons.
I actually cannot believe I have been typing this for the past five minutes and no one has come by or lingered in the doorway wondering what I am writing about. O.K. I just got interrupted. I was wondering if I could actually finish this. Will write more later.
Thoughts: November 29, 2007
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